Paula Bryant
Rules Of Rural Virginia
We received this email recently and just had to share it with our readers who may not have seen it.
But in case there are any city slickers among our readership, remember no offense is intended by the following “Rules of Rural Virginia.”
1. Pull your droopy pants up. You look like an idiot.
2. Turn your cap right, your head isn’t crooked.
3. Let’s get this straight; it’s called a ‘dirt road,’ I drive a pickup truck because I want to. No matter how slow you drive, you’re going to get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way.
4. They are cattle. They’re live steaks. That’s why they smell funny to you. But they smell like money to us. Get over it. Don’t like it? Rt. 64 goes east and west, I-95 goes north and south. Pick one.
5. So you have a $60,000 car. We’re impressed. We have $150,000 corn pickers and hay balers that are driven only three weeks a year.
6. So every person in Southern Virginia waves. It’s called being friendly.
Try to understand the concept.
7. If that cell phone rings while an 8-point buck and three does are coming in, we will shoot it out of your hand. You better hope you don’t have it up to your ear at the time.
8. Yeah, we eat taters and gravy, beans and cornbread, tomatoes and onions, grits and greens. You really want sushi and caviar? It’s available at the corner bait shop.
9. The ‘opener’ refers to the first day of deer season. It’s a “religious’ holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November.
10. We open doors for women. That is applied to all women, regardless of age.
11. No, there’s no ‘vegetarian special’ on the menu. Order steak. Or you can order the chef’s salad and pick off the two pounds of ham and turkey.
12. When we fill out a table, there are three main dishes: meats, vegetables, and breads. We use three spices: salt, pepper and ketchup. Oh, yeah ... We don’t care what you folks in Cincinnati call that stuff you eat
... it ain’t real chili!
13. You bring ‘coke’ into my house, it better be brown, wet and served over ice.
14. You bring ‘Mary Jane’ into my house, she better be cute, know how to shoot, drive a truck, and have long hair.
15. College and high school football is as important here as the Lakers and the Knicks, and a dang site more fun to watch.
16. Yeah, we have golf courses. But don’t hit the water hazards -- it spooks the fish.
17. Colleges? We have them all over. We have state universities, community colleges, and vo-techs. They come outta there with an education plus a love for God and country, and they still wave at everybody when they come home for the holidays.
18. We have a whole ton of folks in the Army, Navy, Air Force, and Marines. So don’t mess with us. If you do, you will get whipped by the best.
19. Turn down that blasted car stereo! That thumpity- thump ain’t music, anyway. We don’t want to hear it anymore than we want to see your boxers. Refer back to #1.
20. Four inches isn’t a blizzard -- it’s a flurry. Drive like you got some sense in it, and don’t take all our bread, milk, and bleach from the grocery stores. This ain’t Alaska, worst case you may have to live a whole day without croissants. The pickups with snow blades will have you out the next day.
*****
Southern Boy Hits Big Time
If you get a chance, catch South Boston resident and self-proclaimed small-town Southern boy Lee Sandstead in his grandest art adventure of all beginning Sunday, November 30, and continuing each Sunday up until Christmas.
The first season of “Art Attack with Lee Sandstead” airs on the Travel Channel November 30, December 7, 14 and 21.
And as Lee promises, this first season is one heck of a raucous ride through America’s top museums. The premise of “Art Attack” is to visit museums and look at five must-see pieces in a high-impact, high-energy fashion. Upbeat music, quick cuts, great camera moves—the show has it all.
Clip out the schedule below and hang it on your refrigerator door as a reminder:
Sunday 11/30
9am – Smithsonian American Art Museum, DC
9:30am – National Gallery of Art, DC
Sunday 12/7
9am – The Frick Collection, NY
9:30am – Brooklyn Museum of Art, NY
Sunday 12/14
9am – Walters Art Museum, Baltimore
9:30am – Museum of Fine Arts, Boston
Sunday 12/21
9am – Norton Simon Museum of Art, Pasadena, CA
9:30am – Los Angeles County Museum of Art, CA
*****
The rush is on to get inauguration tickets.
As of last week, Senator Jim Webb’s office had received in excess of 26,000 requests by phone calls and emails for tickets to the Inaugural swearing-in ceremony for Barack Obama in January. If this year is consistent with years past, he says his office will likely receive about 500 tickets. Space is limited, and his staff members say they already have an extensive waiting list, but they’re promising to do their best to accommodate as many Virginians as possible.
Visit www.webb.senate.gov for more detailed information about inaugural events and activities. There, too, Virginians can sign up for the waiting list for swearing-in tickets.
“Believe you me people are not calling to request one ticket. They want to bring their extended families—and/ or a bus containing their entire neighborhood,” Webb said.
The state is wasting no time in making money off the new president’s popularity offering “Presidential Travel Packages.”
To help travelers discover the birthplace of presidential politics, Virginia recently launched Presidential Travel Packages showcasing the homes and historical sites of Thomas Jefferson, James Madison, James Monroe, Woodrow Wilson, and even Eleanor Roosevelt.
In hopes that Democrats, Republicans, and Independents turn out in record numbers to visit the state that has given the nation more Presidents than any other state (eight and counting), www.Virginia.org/HomeofPresidents is offering political buffs an opportunity to find numerous travel deals that include overnight lodging at some of Virginia’s finest inns and hotels, as well as tickets to historical sites such as Montpelier, Monticello, Ash Lawn Highlands and the Virginia State Capitol.
These package deals are good through President’s Day 2009.
